Trapped in this Body
by angkat14
Summary: He ponders on how he developed his feelings for him that started in a friendship. Stated in Kurama's POV. Shounen Ai. KuramaxHiei *One-shot*


**Author's Note: **So I took up the challenge at last. I've been wanting for some time so write a yaoi because of it's complexity and I've come up with this one. This may be the first and last time I would write a yaoi for everyone but I want to say that I've enjoyed writing this. I would like to say thank you to the author of "Si Jonathan at si David" for serving as a basis for this fic. I think I only edited and translated that short story to become my fanfiction. (te-hee!)

**Disclaimers Applied!!!**

Trapped in this Body 

This is it, I said to myself. Tonight, I have to tell him what I feel. I had long ago thought about it. But I still don't know how I'm going to pull it through. I haven't noticed that I've been staring on the wall (or the ceiling for that matter) for quite some time because when I checked my watch, two hours had already passed.

And I'm late.

Shit! I just washed my face and changed my shirt before I went on my way. I'm not really sure if I'm doing the right thing but I know I just have to tell Hiei. Tonight.

"Hey, you're late, man. I was beginning to think something bad had happened to you."

Oh my god, this is it.

"Hey, are you alright?" he asked me.

"Yeah. I just need a drink," I said then motioned to the bartender. "One tequila, please."

"Are you sure you're alright? Tequila instead of your usual beer? You look a little pale, man."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. It's just the lighting effect of this place."

The bartender handed me my drink. I only stared at it and when he had left, I took a deep breath and readied myself to say the words I longed to say to him.

"Hiei, I…I love you," I said. I can't see his reaction very clearly. Thank god for the lighting effect. I don't know if his expression changed. He just grabbed his bottle of beer and drank all of it at once. Well, of course, I got embarrassed. That gesture either says no or no way. I don't know what to say to him anymore. Speechless in the physical term but my mind is rattling like shit. I'm sure after two years of friendship (and I've already thought of this for a year), he didn't really expect that I'm capable of doing such a – how would you define this? A stunt? Yeah, this is a very terrible stunt.

Silence. He's uncomfortable and so am I.

He took me to my apartment after and I'm still not speaking. I know he's worried about me but it's really embarrassing to admit a romantic feeling to someone especially if that someone cannot return your feelings.

"Are we still on for our trip in Tokyo, Kurama?"

"Yeah, let's just meet at the train station…around six?"

"I'll call you when I get home. Are you sure you're really okay? You look so pale."

"Yes, I'm sure. See you tomorrow?"

When he finally left, I lay on my bed. I began thinking of what I had just done. Why the hell did I admit it to him, anyway? I mean, I can just keep it to myself; but I had to tell him or else I'll explode. I really don't want to hide what I feel. But I'm tired of getting hurt. I gave up. After everything that I've been through.

I sighed and closed my eyes. I never noticed that I fell asleep without even changing my clothes.

I woke up at around 5:30 am. It's a good thing I haven't overslept. I just packed some clothes then went straight to the train station. And there Hiei was, his head buried in a book once again. He looked so handsome as his brows knitted in concentration. The girls sitting behind him are giggling and glancing at him. Well, I don't really blame them; Hiei is really handsome.

"Hi!" he greeted me.

"I never heard the phone ringing. I fell asleep already. Sorry."

"That's okay. Wanna have some coffee?"

"No, thanks. Hey, thank you again for coming with me in this seminar."

"No problem. Anything for you."

I watched him while he switched his attention back to his book. I can still remember when we met at a conference sponsored by our company. Actually, he wasn't my type. Well, I don't really know but I didn't really notice him because I'm not really looking for a relationship at that time. I don't want to. I swear, what I've been through is really hard and I don't want that to happen again. I now know how it feels like to be fooled by so many people. Those people whom I had relationships with, they had been using me because they needed the money. And then, after that, they left. All of them. You know, I used to think that love was possible but all the relationships that I've been through were never about love. They were about three things: money, money, and money.

Then, Hiei came into my life after all the bullshit that I've been through. I thought I'm through with love. When I met Hiei, I was closed. As in out of business from the romantic bull. Why shouldn't I be? But he was so nice and he was so fantastic. I don't know why I'm feeling this for Hiei. If I could just stop myself from loving him, I would have done that a long time ago. I would have done everything. His friendship is more important to me than this. I've wished I were feeling this for someone else. Why, of all people, do I have to fall for him?

After a week since that conference, I met Hiei again in an Ad Congress. He's been working on this article. He's really industrious and hard working. He's also very smart. He was reading a book when I approached him. I asked him if he was enjoying his book. That's the start of our friendship. We talked about common interests like books and movies. We clicked instantly because he also liked literature. That's my obsession. There, we have talked about a lot of things regarding Odyssey, Shakespeare, and the likes. He also likes watching movies so we really hit it off. 

We began talking about our collections. The whole time, we were discussing our pastimes and interests. I was happy and I'm sure he's happy, too, because he confessed that he couldn't talk about these kinds of stuffs to his friends. All they think about are girls. He told me it's a good thing I'm different.

"That's our train, let's go, man."

That stopped my recollection. I followed Hiei to the train. When we were finally seated, he put on his earphones and turned on his disk man.

"Kurama, I'll just sleep for a while, okay?"

I just smiled. Of course, what can I do?

When he finally closed his eyes, I stared at him. Why do I keep on punishing myself? I know I'm just hoping for nothing.

You know, Hiei and I became closer with each other because of our frequent lunches and dinner after work after the Ad Congress. I know it was hard for him, because, well, he knows I'm gay. He asked me when we were in Ad Congress and I said yes. I know he was shocked because of what I've said but he was so civil. That's why I was so delighted because it's very seldom for me to meet people who knew how to respect my sexual preference. Usually, they are disgusted of me, especially the men who think that being straight is the way to go; but Hiei was different. He was never afraid of me.

That was when I started to love him. Yes, love. Not infatuation because I know what's the difference between those two words. I guess I'm already an expert when it comes to relationships. You know, I don't really know why he's so nice. I guess I'm his shock absorber. His buffer. I know I'm the only one he can really talk to. There's no one else. Not even his gorgeous girlfriend. They were almost engaged but I don't really know what happened to the girl. They're already separated when he introduced me to her. I asked Hiei why they broke up, because for me, they make such a good pair. He told me that the girl couldn't understand his line of work.

I can still remember when Hiei introduced me to her, I think I almost turned green with jealousy. Hahaha. If she were a competition, I had to withdraw from the match, you know. I am no match for her beauty and figure. But she's not that beautiful to eventually turn me into a man. After dinner, I went home crying even if I know that they're not together anymore. Honestly, I really wanted for them to end up together because I know Hiei is straight, and I'm not. And he won't ever like me. I was mad at the girl and especially at Hiei for making me want to be her. I was frustrated and all that.

I knew I was doomed for loving this man.

At first, I was not really open about everything with him. We were just talking about our hobbies and our books but we got closer after this certain incident. Hiei was at his office, of course, making another project about the conditions of the workers in the copra industry that was due that evening. Unfortunately for him, his diskette got broken as well as his laptop. There was a damned virus that erased all his files. He was working on that project for three months, and just that – it was gone. As in gone in sixty seconds. His boss is already yelling at him in the telephone. And before that, he got sick for three days. And the worst is that he failed to go to the place to be able to finish his research for the article. Then, his twin sister called him to say that her daughter was rushed to the hospital and she needed some financial help badly. He was close to jumping off the building. Stress can really kill a person. And I called him that time, having no idea what's happening to him. I mean, the very minute when he was starting to cry and breakdown.

"Hello, Hiei? Are you okay?"

"Hello, Kurama? Look, this is not a good time to talk. I'll call you later, alright?"

"What's wrong?"

And just that, he cried to me. He can't seem to stop. I know how stressed he was so I told him that I would pick him up so that we could talk in a restaurant of his choice. But when we're already in the car, he asked me if we could go to somewhere private because he didn't want to cry in public. I offered my apartment since it's just a few blocks away, and for him to be able to rest. I also told him that it's okay if he wanted to stay overnight because he lives miles away from my place. For me, it's better to be careful than sorry. He might just decide to jump off a bridge somewhere along the way to his house. 

So there. I was able to calm him down. I talked to him the whole night and he just cried. He was so beautiful. I just hugged him. Inside my arms, he was in a fetal position. He spent three days in my apartment. He recovered eventually and after that incident, he always came to me if ever he had problems. 

Well, there were so many times when I want to kiss him and love him, but I didn't want to use his helpless situation for my own gain. No, I'm not like that. So, after one year, I just told him yesterday what I really feel. I had to. If I could have kept the whole love thing as a secret, I would do it, but I was hurting myself. I think of him all the time. I had the best intention for him.

I love him.

I don't lust for him. I honestly thought that he was the one true love.

Well, I had my days as well. There was this one time when I was the victim of fate. Okaasan, well, she died. It was such a helpless situation for me. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I was so mad at the whole world. When Hiei found out that I was going through such a painful week, he immediately went to my apartment. He did not leave me alone. Even when I asked him to.

He was calming me and he was just there for me. Really. That was the worst of all my days. During those days, it was me who was in his arms. There was something about him. I felt it and I know he felt it, too. I felt our souls were really meant to be but I am trapped in this body. If only the truth didn't really hurts. I fell asleep in his arms. We slept like that. He was just holding me. After that, Hiei and I became inseparable. We were friends; best of friends even.

Nothing really happened in Tokyo. I went to my seminar while Hiei spent his time inside the coffee shops in town, with his book. I was silent for the longest time. He respected the fact that I wanted my silence. All I talk about are connected with my work: about the new plan my boss proposed, my new client who needed our creative services on their product launch, and the likes. All about work and nothing about us. After all, he was silent himself.

I was thinking of a lot of things while we were on our way home. I thought about asking him to accompany me to okaasan's grave when he is free. Maybe we can straighten things out there. Or maybe we can go somewhere for the summer so that we could forget our stress from work. I can also ask him out for a movie. I hope there's a good one on. Or we can search for bargain books in some second-hand bookstores. I know Hiei likes those rare books that can only be found in those stores. Honestly, I just don't really know where our friendship would lead. 

I'll just entrust it all to fate.

I'll just wait for a sign.

A few minutes later, while I was watching the scenery from outside, I was surprised when he took my hand in his and gently squeezed it.

I closed my eyes from too much happiness because, right then, I knew, no matter what happens, even when Hiei knew I've fallen for him, he will always be here by my side and will always remain as my friend.

**Author's Note: **So, there, it's done. My slightly yaoi fic. I hope it's fine. This was supposed to be non-yaoi but I changed my mind and made it as that. Reviews will be appreciated.


End file.
